Classified Information
by Gramarye
Summary: A short and dark study on an often neglected character. Spoilers for the middle to end of the series.


I really have no all-encompassing statements for this work of   
fanfiction. It is self-explanatory, in its own right.  
  
Standard disclaimers apply. Shin Seiki Evangelion is the property   
of GAINAX, Project Eva, TV Tokyo, and various other international   
companies involved in its production and distribution.  
  
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Classified Information  
By: Gramarye  
  
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Hey.  
  
How's it going?  
  
Yeah. I thought so.  
  
All the guys have been asking after you at school. Y'know, they're   
wondering when you're coming home, and if they can come see you, and   
stuff like that. I said I'd ask the nurses.   
  
But they wouldn't tell me anything, though. Sorry, it's "classified   
information", they said.  
  
Classified information. My best friend is classified information. And  
here I thought they only did that to things like big military exercises  
and super-secret weapons and Angels and EVAs.  
  
I suppose I should be grateful that I could come see you at all.  
  
Yeah.  
  
Since no one's really seen much of Shinji or Asuka or Rei--at least,   
not for a while now--all the guys keep asking me questions about you.   
A couple of the girls, too, but they're really careful about it. They   
don't want to get Hikari too upset. I haven't seen her in a while,   
either, but from what I've heard she comes to see you a lot. That's   
nice of her.  
  
Anyway, you'll have plenty of people to visit you. I'll tell some of   
the guys to stop by if they can. When you start to feel better, you   
can come and tell them all about it.  
  
Maybe I'll be there to hear you, too.   
  
Maybe.  
  
I suppose I should tell the nurse that your IV bag is getting low.   
Wouldn't want to run out of that stuff, would you? I had to get an IV   
once, long time ago. Heh, I was screaming bloody murder when they   
stuck the needle in. Just like a stupid little kid would do. It   
didn't really hurt that much, but it still scared the hell out of me.   
My parents still joke about it, sometimes.  
  
Or I could change the water for those flowers over there. Who sent   
them to you? Hikari? There's no note on them. That's strange.  
  
I hope you get better soon. It's no fun anymore without you around.  
  
Yeah.  
  
  
  
So....  
  
  
  
  
This is so weird. I can't believe I'm sitting here talking to you like   
this. It might be better if you could talk back...it's not easy to   
hold a one-sided conversation. At least, not when there's someone else  
in the room.  
  
What'd they do to get you to sign up, man?  
  
You'd be the last person on Earth that I'd think of in an plugsuit. I   
couldn't even have imagined it until a week ago.  
  
Was it fun? I bet it was. It musta been so cool, to make it go   
RRRRRGH! and STOMP STOMP STOMP! and BLAM-BLAM-BLAM BRRRDDDDDDDDT!   
One of just four people on the entire planet who can make an EVA move.   
It's like being back in elementary school and watching TV on Saturday   
mornings and playing and fighting with your toy robots, only much,   
much, MUCH bigger. And better. And cooler.  
  
Just like every kid's favorite dream.   
  
But not yours.  
  
Which is why it's so horrible. You didn't even want to pilot at all,   
and look what happened.   
  
I couldn't believe it when I found out. Never in a million years would  
I have expected something like this. And to tell you the truth, I   
don't really know what to say. I don't know if I'm even supposed to   
say anything. What would it be? 'I'm sorry you got hurt?' 'Here's   
hoping you feel better soon?'   
  
I tried practicing all the way over here, talking to myself in the   
elevator on the way up--even though I got some strange looks from the   
other people riding with me. But every time I thought something would   
work, I said it out loud...and it just sounded so stupid.  
  
So for what it's worth, I'm sorry. Sorry for everything. Something   
like this...I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, let alone my best   
friend. I can't tell you how much I wish it was me, and not you, that   
was in this position. You've got a little sister who practically   
worships you, and she needs her big, strong older brother more than   
anything right now. You *have* to get well. You have to get well for   
her, even if you won't do it for me or Hikari or anyone else. Do you   
hear me?   
  
But you did your best. I mean, you tried to protect everyone. I bet   
it killed you to do it, but you set your jaw and did it anyway.  
  
I bet it was hell for you.  
  
You got to do everything. To wear that plug suit, to sit in the entry   
plug and know that you'd make thousands of tons of metal move and fight   
and kill. What was it like?  
  
I bet you didn't even like it. You didn't want to, and they made you.   
  
They pulled out all the stops for you.  
  
And now you're here, and I'm looking at you, and I'd give anything to   
trade places with you.   
  
  
  
Oh God, why did I say that. Why did I *say* that?  
  
I know it sounds horrible. I mean, look at you. You tried so hard,   
and you ended up here. You sacrified everything you had, and here I am  
acting like such an ingrate.   
  
If my parents were here, they'd say this was so typical of me. They   
always tell me that my biggest problem is that I want what isn't mine.   
  
But this is different. This isn't some little boy's fantasy, this   
isn't about playing soldier, this isn't just another war game.  
  
This was something that I know, deep down, should have been mine.  
  
It should have been mine, can't you understand? MINE. *I* was   
supposed to be the one, not *you*. *You* didn't even want it. You   
can't imagine what I would have done to be one of THEM. So you go off   
and get yourself hurt, and now I'm supposed to feel bad about it, but I  
can't, no matter how hard I try. And now I have to stand here and feel  
bad for you, and all I can think about is that I'm sorry it WAS you and   
not me and it's not fair you can't do this to me why you why you and   
not me special is that it why were you so goddamned special and i can't   
believe i'm telling you this but it SHOULD havebeenmenotyounotyoushould  
havebeenmedamnyoudamnyouanswermeyoubastardi'msogoddamnjealousicould--  
  
"Aida-san, visiting hours are over. You'll have to leave."  
  
--leave.  
  
Yeah, I'll leave. Just give me a minute, okay?  
  
  
  
  
I've gotta go now. I'll see you later, then.  
  
  
  
  
Maybe. 'Cause I'm kinda busy right now. I have a lot of stuff to do.  
So I might not be able to come see you, y'know.   
  
But don't worry about me.  
  
I think I'm gonna go home and take a shower. Nice hot shower. Long   
shower. Then go to bed. I've got a headache, though, so I think   
I'll take something to help me sleep. There's probably some old   
prescription lying around the house somewhere, and I'm sure it'll be   
okay if I took a couple. Just to help me get to sleep. I don't think   
anyone would mind.  
  
Yeah, it'll be okay.  
  
Everything's gonna be okay.  
  
G'night, man.  
  
-------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Gramarye  
gramarye@mailandnews.com  
http://gramarye.freehosting.net/  
November 17, 2001 


End file.
